Oh, the technology!

I have long had an antagonistic relationship with technology--especially vending machines. One issue has always been trying to feed dollar bills into the money slots. No matter how clean bill you've got, the machine's still going to spit it back at you a couple of times.

My problem was always that I rarely carried enough cash in the denominations the machines accepted to be able to buy anything. I was always scrounging around the floorboards of my car, in the pockets of my backpack, dark nooks and crannies of my coat pockets--anywhere that a wayward dime, nickel or quarter might be hiding--trying to find enough money for a soft drink or something.

It got to the point that I'd specifically start stashing money in various pockets and notebooks--whatever--so I'd have an "emergency snack fund."

I could never figure out why companies didn't just make the things accept plastic. I always have my debit card on me, but seldom small denominations of cash.

So when I discovered that IUS now provided faculty and students with what they called a U-Card, I was actually pretty excited. Finally! I shrieked to myself. Why didn't they do this sooner? And it was so darned easy to transfer funds to my card. Just log on with your university credentials, enter your debit card number, the amount you want to transfer, and voila! you're licensed to purchase.

I looked at vending machines in a whole new light. No longer did I sneer a challenge at them when I entered the building. Instead, I'd give them the what's-up-bro head nod. Keeping cash in a virtual stash is much easier than having to root through the glove compartment and floorboards of a car, let me tell you.

My first soft drink purchase with the U-Card was a moment of triumph. As God is my witness! I shouted in my mind, I shall never go thirsty again!

But then I learned of the dark side to the U-Card. Oh, yes, that faux ally in my battle against the Machines turned out to be the worst kind of traitor. To be sure, it's not entirely the U-Card's fault, but still, it was like the enemy had planted a spy in my camp deliberately to raise my hopes and then spring a malicious trap.

The first hint of trouble was the discovery that the U-Card will not allow the balance to fall to 0.00. Either that or it misreads the balance on the card. At the machine it will report that you've got $1.25--enough to purchase a soft drink, but when you try to make the purchase it chastises you with the message, "Insufficient funds." So I transfer a couple of dollars to my card and try again. No problem this time.

One day I walked into my classroom building on campus and went straight to the vending machines and tried for a soft drink. Insufficient funds, it told me, even though with the last purchase I still should have had a couple dollars on the card. So I sat down on a bench five feet away from the machines, pulled out my laptop, connected to the wireless and transferred the funds I needed to make a purchase.

As I sat there with my laptop, glaring at the Coke machine, it struck me that my life had attained a new level of absurdity.

The other dark side to the Vending Machine/U-Card alliance is that few machines on campus actually accept the silly card. They lure you in with promises of low rates, frequent flyer miles, etc., and then you find you can't use them anywhere. And many of the machines that PRETEND to accept the card steadfastly ignore me when I insert it.

Then there are those days where the one or two machines that work are sold out. The machines in my building were sold out for two weeks solid. I had to drink water out of the fountain. Out of the fountain! It's difficult to imagine how many microbes were allowed free entry into my body.

Today when I attempted to purchase a soft drink, I was confronted once again with the flashing red message SOLD OUT and was ignored by the other machines. "Don't give him nothin', Reggie!" the other machines seemed to chant.

I turned to the machines behind me that accepted cash in $2 and $5 denominations. I just happened to have a fiver on me, so I thought, fine, I'll buy a pack of gum or something and get enough change for a soft drink.

I inserted the five with surprisingly no hassle from the machine. Then I selected a pack of gum as my purchase choice. And the machine presented me with the message--I kid you not--Insert more cash!

I snarled and punched the return button, whereupon the machine proceeded to spit my $5 back out to me--in quarters!

As it turned out, that was just fine because now I had enough for the soft drink I pried out of the machine that refuses to accept the U-Card.

And so the battle rages on!